Holiday Letter, Death Eater Style
by SmileVampy
Summary: Merry Voldemortmas! What if those crazy guys you love to hate sent out the kind of letter you hate to get? 'Tis the season, indeed. Read and Review, please.


A/N: Yesterday we got a letter from one of my many relatives. It was a Round Robin. What is a Round Robin, you ask? During the holidays, have you ever gotten one of those lovely typed letters printed on cruddy paper, ready-made for sending out to your beloved family and/or friends at the last minute? And every letter's exactly the same for everyone who gets it... lots of BS about so-and-so's wonderful accomplishments, a veritable boast-a-thon to make you feel inferior? _That's _a Round Robin. It's also the inspiration for this fic thing. Merry Christmas! Or Happy Holidays, if you so prefer. :)

DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter and all his ho-ho-homies are not mine.

P.S. 'Tis the season for reviewing! Wink-wink-wink-wink-wink, nudge-nudge-nudge-nudge!

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**Dear Friends,**

Well, it's hard to believe, but another eventful year has come and gone. Our "family" has been so very busy! Indeed, so much has happened in the past twelve months, we feel inclined to update you on everyone's lives. Hope we don't bore you :)

**The Dark Lord Voldemort** has been working very hard as of late. After breaking in to the Ministry of Magic last summer, which stressed him out considerably, he realized that he needed a different approach to his life. Thus, he took up knitting, and has managed to make several very nice scarves, all of which he is donating to the Pureblood Children's Foundation, his most favorite charity. But don't think that just because Lord Voldemort has taken up a new hobby means that he's grown bored of terrorizing Muggles! In fact, he personally set fire to nineteen London households last spring! And in the past month, he has administered the Cruciatus Curse to over forty unwilling individuals, a personal best! Alas, Lord Voldemort still has not killed Harry Potter, despite his valiant efforts to do so. But we are optimistic; our wily Lord has a brand-new trap set up for young Mr. Potter, and hopes to kill the boy sometime within the next fiscal year.

**Bellatrix** was out of sorts for awhile, as she recently had to deal with the sudden death of her beloved cousin Sirius, but she's managed to bounce back most splendidly. Bella has been enjoying life outside Azkaban Resort and Casino; she says it gives her more freedom, and is not quite as smelly. Lately, she can be seen at the shopping mall with her dear sister Narcissa; oh, how they love their spending sprees! There are rumors that her and the Dark Lord have been seeing a lot of each other lately, but shhh, we aren't confirming anything here! ;)

**Draco**, as some of you may already know, has recently been admitted in as a Junior Member! It was such a proud day for us all when he took his vows and received the Mark. He is now the youngest individual in service to the Dark Lord, and if he completes the exceptionally important task assigned to him, who knows, he just might be promoted to Associate Member! But if Draco's membership proves to be getting in the way of his studies, the Dark Lord will have to revoke it, as he believes education is most imperative to one's development. There will be no need to worry, however, as young Draco has already proven himself by obtaining no less than seven N.E.W.T.S! He has also proven to be quite the little charmer, having succeeded in wooing Miss Pansy Parkinson into engagement. They will be married as soon as they graduate Hogwarts the year after next. Best wishes to the two lovebirds!

Just when we thought that we had lost **Severus** for good, there he goes, waltzing back into our lives again! The Dark Lord was oh-so-very pleased; he was worried that he might have to dispose of yet another former member! Severus has been busy proving his loyalty to the Lord; his undercover work concerning our rival company, Order of the Phoenix, has shown to be most helpful to our cause. He has also achieved his lifelong dream of being a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His work is real top-notch; the Headmaster should have given him the position years ago! Severus is planning on using the saved-up money from his new occupation to get himself a nose job and a haircut, which we all agree he desperately needs! Just kidding!

Over the summer, **Peter** interned as an assistant to Severus and loved it! He can't wait to do it again next year! He especially loved the sleepovers. In case you were wondering, yes, Peter is still obsessed with the replacement hand the Dark Lord gave him two years ago. He just can't get enough of squeezing poor defenseless animals till they pop! (Takes after the Lord's own heart!) He also enjoys eating fancy cheeses, and if we hadn't hidden the Roquefort and Brie from him, we would have been cheese-less at the D.E. Reunion we hosted last spring! Silly Peter!

**Fenrir**, our token werewolf, is happy as a clam. He's been away much of the time, diligently recruiting his brethren for the Dark Lord's cause. His efforts have shown a steady increase in furry followers, and we are grateful for his influence. Since joining our "family," he is able to let go of his humanity and become all the more bestial, something that was nigh impossible for him within the constraints of normal human society. That, and we let him run around naked.

Sadly, as of last June, **Lucius**, father of Draco, is no longer among our ranks. Feeling that the burden of his very public lifestyle (not to mention all the responsibilities such a lifestyle entails) was too much for him to handle, Lucius determined that a change of scenery was in order. Thus, for the past several months, Lucius has been living a quiet, minimalist life in solitary confinement, in order to better his inner development and reevaluate his personal decisions. Although we hear it's quite cheerful where he's staying, we cannot wait until the day when Lucius feels he is ready to join us once more. Our love goes out to him, and so should yours, during this wonderful holiday season!

And everyone else (**Crabbe**, **Goyle**, **Nott**, **Dolohov**, **Macnair**, et al) is doing great!

We have high hopes for next year, as you can very well see... The Dark Lord's New Year's Resolution: Kill Harry Potter. Haha! Just kidding! (NOT!)

Thanks for all your support through these tumultuous times. With your help, we can usher in a new era, one filled with fear, terror, and fun! (And also cookies!)

May your holidays be as jolly as ours! Wishing you all the best, to you and to yours, in the coming New Year!

Love and Kisses,

**Voldie and the Death Eaters**


End file.
